An Overlong Sharing To A Dear Friend

I recently read a friend's blog post about her frustrations from last year, and it elicited this email letter which I immediately wrote and sent to her. She recently replied expressing her appreciation, saying how it succeeded in making her feel she's not alone and adding howit read like a blog addressed only to her. So I decided to post it here so I can share it to few dear friends who visit this blog. Maybe it'll do to you what it did to me and my friend - comfort and empower me with the feeling that I'm not alone in my frustrations.

Hey, I just read your last three blog posts. I haven't been religiously blogrolling, or blogging for that matter, thus the delay.


I wish I was there so we can have coffee and chat... I feel bad that (at least in your 2009 entry), you're feeling increasingly frustrated. Sana lang it's all better now, with that volunteer work, and with your little boy going to daycare (if pushed through with it) to give you more time.


I kinda share your conundrum about why some people are able to adapt more and let go easier. Although I'm here now sa Pinas, I kinda wonder a lot about that as well when I'm in London.


I really see a lot of promise in staying in London, but somehow, I can't fully embrace the thought and I still feel like home is where my career ought to be. It's not really a problem, if you think about it, but I feel like it shouldn't be the case. It's as if I wouldn't be exploiting the opportunities available to me if I opt for that. I get an impression that a Pinas career would not be ambitious enough, or at least, not commensurate to the time and financial investment I made on my studies.


I have this feeling na if I stay in London, the climb is steeper and harder kase I'll be starting at the bottom with nothing but my education to back me up. Therefore, the climb will take longer. Nevertheless, the excitement, the city, the culture, the enrichment I get while there... It's just too tempting. And the fact that I can start on a blank slate and have a do over, wow. But can I still afford to do that at 30? I promised myself na taking time to study for 2 years abroad would be my last luho - and then I'd be all focused on being a responsible adult na. Earn a decent living that won't be subsidized by my inherited luxuries. I want to completely, genuinely fend for myself na.


And then, to add to that, there's this feeling na if I go back naman to the Philippines, I can simply pick up from where I left off. I was doing well already and was just starting to really make significant strides in my career when I left. Now, armed with new knowledge, I can carry on doing that. These steps I was about to take could now extend to crazy leaps. But then, I also end up thinking that that's only possible because Pinas is such a small pond. Or, perhaps more accurately, Pinas does not offer the possibilities London and the world offers. Furthermore, I always feel like I'm regressing when I'm home. I'm really happy here and I enjoy the luxury, the lifestyle, the comfort of having a solid support system, my own home, and most importantly, the company of my family and friends... but I also feel like I'm back to old horizons. Parang lumiliit na naman yung mundo ko and it shouldn't be that way. It shouldn't, right? Di ba dapat palaki ng palaki ang mundo mo? I feel like I'm falling off the wagon. The wagon that's laboriously taking me to a more difficult but ultimately more fulfilling path.


It's a paradox I face whenever I'm home for too long. The paradox that while home makes me happy and feel I'm back where I belong, at home, it's harder to get what I want. Perhaps coming home to things that make me feel secure means I'm also coming home to all my insecurities. So while I have a career to return to, I don't feel half as empowered as I do when I'm in London, even if realistically, objectively, and internally, I feel like it's twice as hard in London to get to where I've gotten to back in the Philippines, and harder twofold getting to where I want to be in life.


Suffice it to say that I crave for the best of both worlds, but I feel like I'm being immature wanting that every time reality sets in and the issues of practicality and feasibility of both paths are stacked up against each other. Sana nga ganon kadali na I can be here in Manila when I want, and London when I need to be there.


That's why I emailed. So much of what you wrote, especially in your post "My 2009", reflected my sentiments. You also mentioned how you wonder why it's so hard to find friends who share your pains. Why you can't embrace your new life the way other friends have, like lots of our other friends there who seem to be content and flourishing in their new plots. I know we're not exactly on the same boat. I'm just about to sail, whereas you've been on that journey. You're now on the other shore. I'm just walking up the plank of my rickety banca, and from here, I can see that on board, taking the boat with me, is fear. I fear making the wrong decision and being trapped in it, whereas you speak of feeling trapped in it already, even if ultimately, you have the choice to go back.


While it's not exactly the same as what you're going through, I suppose we share the same feeling of frustration and uncertainty. The same feeling of being in a tug-of-war. You feel like your hands are tied, when they're really not... but it might as well be, given the choices you end up making and continue to make. Yun yon e. You don't want to renege on the choice you made cause it's like you admit to making a mistake - that all this time spent after committing to that choice has been for naught. That, or it would be like admitting you're weak - because you weren't brave, and strong, and steadfast enough to hold on to the choice you made. That maybe, the rewards of the sacrifice have simply yet to come, but you've grown tired of waiting and have decided to give up. That's never easy to admit, is it? Not for us. At least, that's what I understand you to be going through. The difference is that with me, I'm just about to commit to a choice. With my studies due to finish soon, an ultimatum hangs. I need to ruminate and be sure of my next steps. I don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to be made to feel weak. I don't want to wait too long for my reward. I don't want to ever give up.


I hope that even though it's depressing, it makes you feel better that thousands of miles away from you, a dear, dear friend shares your agony. Even if it doesn't exactly do that, at least you can relish the thought that your writings have helped someone contemplate and articulate his own dilemmas. Making a sheet of paper or a computer screen throw back your thoughts at you is always a great way to hear what your heart and mind have to say amid an awful din of cynical feelings. It's even better when you have a trusted friend listening with you.


Loveya!




Raz.

Camerimage 2009, Łódź

01-06.12.2009

After a very busy term 5, I decided to fly to Poland to attend Camerimage. Mike had already left ahead of me, and I was really looking to get away in preparation for the coming end of term critiques.

I had an amazing time in spite of the freezing cold. I was able to watch Up In The Air before its worldwide theatrical release (and ahead of all the Oscar buzz it got; I got bummed missing Sketches of Frank Gehry). I got to attend workshops conducted by Oliver Stapleton, Don McAlpine and Tony Willis. I got to play around with the latest Arri’s and 3D cameras. They don’t lie when they say that the atmosphere in the city is electrified round about the end of November til early December. I had an amazing time despite not having a pass for the entire festival. I had so much fun I didn’t even bother taking that many pictures even though I managed to lug around my camera everywhere we went. I’m already looking forward to coming back next year.

The pictures I took and uploaded here don’t even capture half of the experience. You’d think the city was this empty shell of post-war buildings badly needing repainting. What it really is, during Camerimage, is a swarm of enthusiastic, like-minded brothers who have nothing but utmost love and appreciation for movies and movie-lovers.

Barcelona, Summer 2009

Barcelona is instantly my most favourite city. So far, at least.

When I first decided to go to Spain for a holiday, it was on a whim. It was sometime during the spring of last year after my trip with the Bajentings. It was my first time to stay in London for the holidays and so I had a lot of time on my hands. Instead of seeing more of the city though, I ended up going overseas.

I first entertained the thought when I heard that the Simon Bolivar Youth Orchestra was playing in London. I read about them long ago and was terribly impressed. That they were in London seemed too great an opportunity to pass, so I immediately looked for tickets. My close friends Nep and Tisay happened to have a stint helping the catering for their London show and they told me it’s been fully booked long before. I felt so bad missing the chance that I surfed the net and found out that they’re also having shows in Madrid and Barcelona and a few other European cities.

It was then that I started considering flying to Barcelona just in time to catch their show. It seemed outrageous at the time, but thanks to the internet, I was able to build up a solid itinerary and canvass options for airfare and lodging. Before I knew it, I was impulse buying tickets and making online reservations for a weeklong stay in Barcino.

I was sort of nervous about that because it was to be my first ever solo trip to a country that didn’t speak English primarily. I sorta knew how to speak Spanish, but it’s been so long since Span 1 & 2 with Sra. Carmen and Maita that I didn’t really trust myself to survive. Besides, I was heading for Catalunya!

The morning of my flight to Barcelona, I took a long detour to Stanford at Covent Garden, one of my favourite stores in London now, and bought myself an Encounter guide (back when it only had Barcelona, NY, Rome and Paris) and a Spanish phrasebook…and then I was off.

That turned out to be one of my most memorable and perhaps my most favourite trip ever. Barcelona had everything I was interested in – a beach, a vibrant arts scene, museums worth visiting, a mix of people comparable to London’s, grrrrrreeeaaat food, and a couple of friends who were grrrrrreeeaaat guardians (shoutout to Wil and Lola!). That I was there for six long days, by myself, made for a relaxed holiday with neither the pressure of dragging myself out of the hotel to follow someone else’s itinerary nor the annoyances or conflicts of a travel companion’s divergent whims.

I loved Barcelona so much that even after my camera got stolen on my first trip (please don’t tell my Mom), I still had fond memories of the city. Hey, at least I had the full Barna experience, yeah? The pictures posted in this album were taken during my second trip last summer, right before classes at LFS started :)

Did I mention how much I love Barcelona?

The Filipino Student's Guide on How To Be Invisible In London

I recently tweeted about the "TOUCH ME NOT" screening in the Cultural Center of the Philippines (a copy of which I've uploaded in my blog before, as featured in the National Gallery website). Most short film entries were around ten minutes in length, whereas mine was only a few seconds over 3 minutes. It put my term 2 film at a disadvantage from a competition perspective but that was alright cause what I was really after was the opportunity to have the screened in a public venue back home in the Philippines.

(Here's the link again: Touch Me Not in the National Gallery website)

I felt bad that I was going to miss its screening by a few days as I was scheduled to fly to Manila only three days after. I invited my good friend, Mahal, who composed the soundtrack along with her band Kireida, to watch at the CCP, but she had a previously set appointment. My lead actress and very close friend Nep was already in the Philippines for the Christmas holiday so I also told her to go and invite people whom she missed showing the film (she already saw it in the National Gallery last year).

I was therefore annoyed after finding out that the schedule was moved to two hours earlier without prior notice. My aunt and my assistant who went all the way to CCP missed it by an hour, and Nep, who braved the horrendous Christmas rush, missed it altogether.

Thankfully, it was balanced by some real good news.

I actually also submitted my Term 3 documentary, "THE FILIPINO STUDENT'S GUIDE ON HOW TO BE INVISIBLE IN LONDON," in the same competition. For those who might have seen it at LFS or whom I asked for feedback during its development stage, this was the film about three girls who came to London on student visas.

I'm very proud to share that it won third prize in the 21st CCP Independent Film and Video Competition held last December 8 to 11, 2009. The 'Gawad CCP' distinguishes itself as the longest-running film and video competition in the Philippines, open to works in 16mm and 35mm format for film and DVD and MiniDV formats for video.

Upon sending a copy of the film to the CCP Media Arts, I concurrently asked the three subjects if they were fine with the film getting screened in a huge venue. When I first asked them to be the focus of the documentary, I assured them that if they were not comfortable with it being showed beyond the privacy of the school, we would honor that. In response, one of the girls said she preferred that the documentary not be screened in the festival, so I emailed CCP to request that they not screen it anymore and they obliged.

I thought that meant they would pull it out of the competition as well since the Gawad CCP rules stipulate that CCP would acquire rights to screen the film upon its entry and include it in the CCP's film archives. Apparently, they still showed it to the judges even if it was not in exhibition during the festival week and even ended up winning 3rd place. The competition also reserves the right not to award recognition if it felt that none of the entries deserved it, so it had a very discriminating and exclusive profile to me.

The official announcement from the Cultural Center of the Philippines is posted in the CCP official website. Chrissy, the LFS Librarian-slash-festival coordinator triumphed the achievement by blogging about it in the London Film School's news blog. It was a little embarrassing to see news about our humble documentary above Duncan Jones's big win at the British Independent Film Awards for "MOON," but that was very much welcome. Seeing my name on the LFS blog... I can die now! Haha!

Mad props to 166/3D for their contributions, and to the three girls for generously sharing their time, insights and sentiments in this documentary film. Congratulations to us :)

Preview

The November issue of "PREVIEW." Thanks to Mel for the article, and to Kar and Jane for the scans.

(Click on photo to enlarge and read the article)

Venice, Summer 2009

It's now been a couple of months since I went to Venice this summer. I meant to upload the pictures earlier, but since I didn't take a lot of photographs, I had hoped to post it along with the pictures from my friends who were there for the Venice Film Festival. I didn’t receive the reinforcements I had hoped and only remembered about the pictures I took now. So here they are!

I wasn’t too keen to go back to Venice just yet since I was just there a few months earlier. It was only when Mike and George started talking about going to the Festival to watch George Romero’s new film that I thought, maybe I should go as well. I then learned that a close friend of mine who line produced the film ENGKWENTRO by Pepe Diokno was also going. That finally helped me decide, so I cut my summer holiday a few weeks early, made hasty arrangements and flew back to Venezia two days after landing in London.

I’m really glad I decided to go back. I got to see the red carpet screening of my friends’ film, and it ended up winning the Orrizonti Award for Best Film, as well as the Luigi De Laurentis Award for Best Debut Film. Thanks to Miss Amor, I got to celebrate with the filmmakers and was allowed access to some of the glamorous green rooms and victory dinners. Had I not been as shy as I was, I would also have taken the chance to have my picture taken with Ang Lee, Colin Firth, Diane Kruger, Omar Sharif, Jared Leto, and Tom Ford.

Even better than the Venice Film Festival experience, the first major film festival I've ever been to, was the chance to hang out with Mike and George. It would’ve been even better if I arrived earlier but because of the last minute bookings, I only got to spend one night and the following morning with those two. It’s so great seeing close friends from LFS outside London.

So here are the handful of pictures that I took. Nothing exciting really, but they help me remember the wonderful time I spent revisiting Venezia.

Touch Me Not

This has been a long time coming. I stumbled upon it by accident and got a bit nostalgic. I can't believe I'm just one term away from my grad term!

(Watch it in full-screen mode!)





To read the accompanying blurb and put proper context to this film, go to the National Gallery website.

Homecoming, 4th Edition

Coming home is always a treat. A luxury nowadays, to be honest. And was I in need of some spoiling this last summer. Fourth term at LFS was my busiest ever, but I wouldn't have it any other way. Of course, that also meant I was exhausted by the end of it, thus the desire to be back in my own house, sleeping in my own bed, away from the mundane nuances of everyday life in London.

Aside from that, my other urgent reasons were the weddings of two of my closest friends. The funny thing, however, is that one got married at the start of August, and the other on the first week of September. Almost exactly one month apart. So that meant, they forced my vacation at home to extend to the length that it did. Almost a full six weeks! That forced me to decline some invitations from my friends to travel with them during the summer break, something that I would’ve loved to do.

That doesn’t mean, though, that I was sorry for having spent that much time back home. It was great to be back hanging out with friends and family. And how so much have changed. People getting married, having babies, new jobs… I shouldn’t be surprised since the last time I was on vacation in the Philippines was last Christmas (excepting the “one night only” incident of flying in for another close friend’s wedding).

So this is what my summer vacation was like. Crazy fun. Two weddings, a side trip to Macau (pictures of which I’ve previously uploaded), two premiere nights, an insane party, one couchsurfer, two new godsons, dozens of new friends, and reconnections with many treasured ones.

*Oooh, thanks to my friends who gave me copies of their pictures, some of which are in this album (thanks Mark, Olive & Chelle).

Macau

Casablanca

Our last two days saw us traveling back to where we started as our return flight to London was also to leave from Marrakech. We kind of hesitated whether or not it was worth getting off Casablanca since our research told us that there really wasn't much to see there. Initially, we had intended to get off there on our way to Fes, but our train ticket didn't allow for it. In the end, we decided to stop over on our return to Marrakech.

I'm glad we did. Thanks to our guide books (I bought a DK Eyewitness Travel, which was quite good!), we were able to decide on where we'd have lunch and which sights we were going to see. I lobbied for a visit to the Hassan II Mosque. It is the second largest religious building in the world and I also read that it is the only mosque in Morocco that allowed tourists to go in.

We arrived in Casablanca just in time for lunch and with just enough time to taxi to the mosque and catch the guided tour. Casablanca itself, aside from its antiquated popularity brought on by the Humphrey Bogart-Ingrid Bergman film, is really not much of a draw. It's the country's financial capital (comparable to our Makati), but it doesn't really look impressively modern. Nevertheless, I was mighty glad we made that stop. The mosque was simply breathtaking and on its own made that layover worthwhile.

Fes

After two days in Marrakech, we woke up early the next day to catch the train to Fes. I've always loved train rides so I actually looked forward to it even though we were effectively 'wasting' our day just traveling to Fes.

There is a robust rivalry that exists between Fes and Marrakech. We first learned about it from one of our taxi drivers in Marrakech, but even if he hadn't mentioned it, we were bound to find out. When we got to Fes, the tour guides and locals we met often boasted of the bounties and beauty of Fes, almost always at the expense of Marrakech. In many ways, though, I have to admit it was well deserved.

Off the bat, Fes struck me as more conservative compared to Marrakech. Perhaps it was partly due to its repute as the spiritual or religious capital of Morocco. Also, people here spoke less English compared to the people in Marrakech.

Unfortunately, we only had a day to experience the entire city, which was evidently ludicrous. We arrived there at night and had to leave two mornings after. With Marrakech, I felt like I've become friends with. With Fes, I felt like I was merely introduced. Fes is so rich with culture and mystery that I've already resolved to come back to get to know her better.

Not like I needed any more convincing. Morocco had me at hello.

Marrakech

Africa had always been a place I wanted to visit (along with South America). I was never interested in going to the US or Australia, but I promised myself Africa. During the spring break before this current summer term, I decided to not go home and stay put in London to see more of the city. That, of course, didn't happen as I ended up spending half the time somewhere else. 

Duke and Carol had mentioned their plan to go to Morocco to me sometime before. With no definite plans for my holiday, I decided to invite myself to their vacation. Buti na lang, mabait ang Bajentings :) Aside from buying myself roundtrip tickets to Marrakech, I left everything up to Duke & Carol. Tisay, another close Pinay friend here in London, told me how much she loved Morocco and shared insights on what we could do on our trip. She suggested that we stay in a riyadh and even offered me her contacts (which I then forwarded to Carol, the lazy oaf that I am).

We flew to Morocco during the Easter holiday. Duke and Carol took the early flight to Marrakech while I decided to take the afternoon flight so I'd have time to submit my make-or-break paper requirement in school. As usual, I was sleepless the night before I flying. Nevertheless, I couldn't get a wink of sleep on the plane ride to Marrakech. It was just too exciting, and I didn't even know why. I knew so little about Morocco that I couldn't help but ask the man sitting beside me on the plane what Morocco was like. He was an English businessman who's been there a couple of times before. He simply said the country was 'something.'

I first stepped on African soil late afternoon of April 7. It only took a whiff of Moroccan air to experience for myself the enigma of this country. It truly was something.

FTW!

The last term had been unbelievably hectic for me that it took me quite a while before I was able to relish the fact that I have been given the Box Office Entertainment screenwriting award from the Guillermo Mendoza Memorial Foundation. I was actually in class last March 13 when messages from friends started pouring in congratulating me after they heard the news on TV. I haven't even seen an episode of SNN (Showbiz News Ngayon or Showbiz News Now - the Pinoy E! News) until my cousin Grace forwarded me the link to the following video (zip forward to 04.18s for the actual announcement!)

The first time I ever skirted an award was back in 2007, when the Philippine Movie Press Club (PMPC) nominated me and my co-writers Van and Carmi for our YOU ARE THE ONE screenplay. I knew we wouldn't win since we were up against the likes of Direk Joey Reyes who was also nominated for Kasal Kasali Kasalo. Nevertheless, I decided to attend the ceremony. I figured it might be the only chance I'll have to be nominated for an award. That wasn't a self-deprecating thought. At that point, Star Cinema had been relegating me to romance-comedies and frankly, that's not usually the route that leads you to an acceptance speech.

I also wanted to go since Direk Cathy said she was attending. It was also her first time to be nominated, you see, so we were both quite excited at the thought of experiencing what it was like. On the day of the 2007 Star Awards for Movies, my good friend Norman graciously agreed to attend the ceremony at the UP Theater with me. We were actually late as Laida and I met up in Town Center earlier. She even helped me pick out the purple outfit I wore to the event, since I didn't have time go home and change.

It was an extraordinary experience attending that. It felt to me like my membership in the mainstream filmmaking community had somehow been legitimized. Prior to that, I had only moved within the back rooms of Star Cinema, Cinemalaya and a small corner of the independent movement. Norms and I soaked up the unique privilege of seeing so many people from the industry in one place. We were amused by the kind of characters they were, how they spoke, how they moved, and how an awarding ceremony was like. When the event finally ended, we took pictures for posterity.

With this recent award, I have to say that I did have an inkling that it might come. Or maybe, 'I hoped it would' puts it more accurately. A VERY SPECIAL LOVE was the Nth incarnation of a story I wrote for John Lloyd and Sarah whose working title was "If The Shoe Fits." I kinda knew I was on to something special because it was instantly approved when I first pitched it. I enjoyed writing the script so much that I felt its huge potential to be a blockbuster early on. The big bosses' reaction to the script confirmed that too. Knowing that it would be helmed by my long-time collaborator Direk Cathy whose metier was the rom-com also assured me of its success.

That's why I also felt really bad that I was going to miss the shoot for A VERY SPECIAL LOVE. I had already moved to London by the time they started that I didn't get to go to any shooting day. I usually try to be on location as often as I can because it's a great opportunity to learn and feel all glitzy, what with popular stars within arm's length. This was a particularly special case, however, because as I've written before, AVSL was to be my first time to be credited as a solo writer.

A VERY SPECIAL LOVE eventually realized all the hopes and expectations I and Star Cinema had for it. It broke box office records to become the third highest grossing local movie of all time. Its sequel, YOU CHANGED MY LIFE, eventually became THE highest grossing local movie ever.

I was familiar with the awards from the Guillermo Mendoza Memorial Foundation, but I also knew that our film faced tough competition from another Star Cinema film. I used to excitedly think about the prospect of AVSL winning all the Box Office Entertainment awards, but since it was becoming more and more likely that we wouldn't, I honestly forgot about it. I guess it helped that I was preoccupied with school work.

Thus the utter surprise when texts about the award came. Soon, Facebook messages from friends also came in (thanks to Norms, Batch Sherlyn, Kristel, Ritz, Kris B, Tia, Mars, Rosa, JDV, Natz, Joyce, Mahal, Thesa, Shi, Peachy, Concep, Aimee, Jacque, Caye, and RR). My friend Lara who is based in Japan and the namesake of Sarah Geronimo's character in the movie even saw the SNN episode on TFC.

I am finally starting to wrap my mind around the idea that I have just received my FIRST award as a screenwright. The ecstasy is slowly creeping in as well, especially since it's spring break and there's really nothing much to do here but think about what has been happening in the world while I've been recluse at LFS.

Perhaps, even more exciting for me now, is finding out that A VERY SPECIAL LOVE also reaped nominations from THIS year's STAR AWARDS for Movies, comprised of movie, director, movie actor, cinematographer, editor, production designer, musical scorer, sound engineer and...! Original movie screenplay of the year :)

The prospect of winning is, to be quite honest, exhilarating. I'm not even going to hazard an estimate of my chances. I just want to enjoy and share this excitement with my friends! After all, what really makes me happy is when I get acknowledgment from the people who matter to me :)

For One Night Only

Pardon the self-indulgence... Couldn't resist sharing my dear, dear friend's wedding to her dear, dear man. Ended up taking loads of pictures (the ones here aren't even half of it) as an attempt to maximize my one night only visit back home.

I'm glad to be part of this celebration. Teta's the first to wed among theCouncil, and I just couldn't fathom the idea of not being there to celebrate the happiest day of her life. She kicks off a year of weddings in the barkada... Lex & Pat, and Concep & Dodie, and quite possibly, Joni & Poch within the coming months.

The funnest part was GENUINELY surprising Kristel. I managed to successfully keep my attendance a secret... The sad part was it only made me miss home more. I kept hoping I didn't have to fly back so soon. Oh, and that yet again, we failed to complete the Council (miss you Jean!).

After the wedding, we left the couple to enjoy consummating their marriage (we're all pretending it's their first carnal encounter, hehe)... while the rest of the Council and our entourage continued the celebrations at Red Box. Sabi nga ni Kristel, I went home for her wedding, and karaoke. Haha!

Congrats and best wishes, Aberillas! Teta, I love you so, so much! Thanks to the Council and their better halves. Thanks to my beloved Batch Sherlyn for sleeping over and Norms for watching You Changed My Life (again) with me, and to both for having breakfast with me at Tierra de la Torre. Lex, can't wait to come back home for you!

25 Random Things About Raz

Once you've been tagged, write a note with 25 random things, facts, habits, or goals about you.

Choose 25 people to be tagged, including those who tagged you.

Lemme just say that this is really hard. I blog about myself so much I think I’m running out of new interesting things to say about myself. That’s why a lot of what I write here I ripped off from those who tagged me :)

***

1. Despite vowing to learn how to cook here in London, I now survive on meals out and microwave meals (I am eating one right now e, hehe). I am therefore renewing my vow to cook for when I settle back in the Philippines. I promise to make use of my show kitchen na.

2. I make bad first impressions. I’m extremely shy and insecure with strangers, which for some reason leads people to think I’m aloof. It takes a while before I warm up new acquaintances, but I eventually do. I’ve become really close friends with lots of people who first hated me when they first met me.

3. I’m allergic to seafood (especially shell fish). Ironically, my mom craved for talangka (small crabs) during her pregnancy.

4. I’m godfather to so many kids, I’ve lost count. My first godson was my cousin. I was just 3 years old then. I don’t know why the priest allowed that but it was legit. My name was on my cousin’s baptismal certificate. With the others, it was because I was often the alternative to my Dad, who used to be the mayor of his hometown. They either couldn’t get hold of my dad or already had him as a principal sponsor in their weddings, so they I was the next choice for their child’s godfather. Honestly, I’ve lost track of them. I don’t think I’m exaggerating in estimating I’ve more than 50 godsons & goddaughters. My close friends need not worry though… yung inaanak ko nang may isip na ko, I remember very well :)

5. Asked to choose between being deaf, mute, or blind, I’d choose to be mute. That’s not an informed decision ha. I reserve the right to change my mind on that.

6. I enjoy road trips with friends and cousins, especially them spontaneous ones. I particularly love it when the company I have stay up with me (singing along songs or having tired conversations of the same things).

7. I NEVER say no to videoke (that's 'karaoke' to those not from the Philippines).

8. Generally, I’d rather sleep than eat. Takaw-tulog ako. I can sleep 14 hours straight, although I also stay up long hours. I’ve always said that it would be perfect if days had 36 hours in them, cause I’m comfortable staying up 24 hours straight, but also need half a day to recharge.

9. I’m more sentimental than I care to admit. I can cry watching movies and MMK episodes, listening to country songs, and reading novels.

10. Sometimes, I wake myself up crying because of a dream, then fall back to sleep again. Just last night, I woke myself up laughing. As in, I was chuckling out loud.

11. I love the outdoors. I’m very physically active, and able, but not really very fit. How to explain that? Hmmm… Imagine this: I’d be sprinting all over one moment, outrunning everyone, working all the muscles in my body, being all flexible, strong and impressive. And then my muscles would be cramping for minutes.

12. I don’t think I ever regretted anything in my life. That sounds like I’m waxing philosophical, but I’ve been thinking a lot about this lately and I really think there isn’t any. Many things in my life didn’t go according to plan, choices I made that weren’t the best or the right one after all, but I always survive them and get changed by them, and often in a good way (so I’d like to think). Like when I studied law. Someone told me that I could’ve started my movie career much earlier if I hadn’t, but then I wouldn’t have met three of my closest friends and go to that Fellowship program in Singapore. I hope that qualifies me as a glass-half-full kinda guy.

13. I get embarrassed by people embarrassing themselves. I have to turn away, close my eyes, block my ears, turn the TV off, or flee the room altogether.

14. Writing isn’t something I particularly like. I kinda just stumbled upon it. I was never the go-to scriptwriter (or director, for that matter) back in high school and college. The only reason I worked and trained as a writer in a film company is because it was the only opening available when I was looking for a job (after filing for my leave in Law School).

15. I was in Law school for one year and half a sem. I filed for LOA a few weeks after midterms. Until now, I don’t think Tia, my seatmate and close friend, has forgiven me for my abrupt decision.

16. I'm an only child with a million cousins and friends.

17. I realize I don’t have a singular, definitive, personal hero, the way others look up to Barack Obama, Aung San Suu Kyi, or Tony Meloto (or whoever). I really admire them and aspire for lofty goals like what they’ve achieved, but also feel distant (detached?) from them. I’m more inclined to look up to friends or people I know or with whom I have access. The good thing about that is it releases me from inhibitions in setting goals. It inspires me to just work hard and expect a pay off because I have ordinary people like me for paragon.

18. Picking up from 17… my parents are significantly flawed individuals, but I take a lot after them and I’m mighty proud of them.

19. My sensibilities are extremely pop, and that embarrasses me to no end. It was only in college when my taste evolved and occasionally went off the middle of the road – thanks to cooler and more sophisticated friends. Naks!

20. I’ve been told that I was a Viennese poet who wrote sonnets in my past life.

21. Nothing disappoints me more than friends disappointing me. I’m really patient with friends, because I know I require a lot of patience. My loyalty’s rock solid, but the trust I repose is fragile.

22. I am thinking of adopting a child within the next coupla years.

23. Over the years, I’ve owned and lost 4 Nokia 8910’s; a couple more mobile phones of various models; a Pentax camera; dozens of wallets, spectacles and sunglasses; 3 ipods; a Mac powerbook; and my Rav 4. My Rav 4 was stolen when I was still living in Katipunan, and my laptop was in it (among many other things).

24. I have never been on a date. There might have been occasions when I did but didn’t know that I was in one.

25. I sign my signature upside down – and that’s really because my Mom has a propensity for forgery.

Talkin' 'Bout A Revolution

Here's an absorbed, albeit very long conversation I had with Chrissie.

I read the book and she watched the film, and this discussion sprung from it. I thought it was worth sharing, especially to those who have similar or contrasting thoughts about the story. I just think it's mighty precious when something stirs you up the way this story did me and Chrissie, though you probably will have to have an insight on topic for you to appreciate this.

Warning to those who haven't seen or read Revolutionary Road. The following transcript contains materials which might be considered spoilers :)

rzfdtwr
Btw, I finished RRoad last night
My off hand thought right now is that it's mighty hard to make this into a film.

Chrissie
"finished"?
YOU WATCHED IT OFF THE INTERNET NO?

rzfdtwr
NO!

Chrissie
OH THE BOOK YOU MEAN
It's like the most depressing thing ever no?
How'd you find the book?

rzfdtwr
Haha, well, I thoroughly enjoyed it. If enjoy can be even be said.
I'm so impressed by Yates. Ang galing nya magsulat. And I"m not just jumping on the bandwagon here. Sobrang galing nya mag articulate ng thoughts, considering how internal so much of this story is.

Chrissie
I can't chime in because I haven't read it. Hehe.
Well ni-thank naman ni Kate sa Yates sa kanyang speech. Haha.

rzfdtwr
And these characters, they're so vivid on paper!

Chrissie
Totoo?

rzfdtwr
I loved it, but like I said, I imagine it to be mighty hard to translate into film.

Chrissie
Well, hindi ko tuloy majudge ang performances ni Kate and Leo ... if they gave justice to the characters. But they were both so ... hatable and likeable at the same time.

rzfdtwr
Kasi nga, I find it so internal, the setting so bleak and unfilmic. Feeling ko nga, if not for the fact na it's a period piece, malamang, ang boring nito on film e.

Chrissie
Eh diba specialty ni Mendes ang suburbian setting?

rzfdtwr
Kasi it's all house, office, occasional bars, ganyan.

Chrissie
So looks-wise, its very pretty and polished.

rzfdtwr
Haha, yeah... but even the story's not that colorful kasi.

Chrissie
Exactly.

rzfdtwr
It's so domestic, TOO much even.

Chrissie
Ang monotone ng story.

rzfdtwr
Di katulad ng Am Beauty. The characters at least are more quirky.

Chrissie
It's like one whole movie about the disintegration of a marriage. Walang mga peaks and lows. Puro lows.

rzfdtwr
And even the turn of events. Dito, sobrang real lang talaga. There's the point of admiration.

Chrissie
When you see the movie, we'll have this discussion again. Kasi magkaiba tayo ng perspectives from which we are judging RR.
Well, you know na how I feel about the movie.
I didn't LOVE it

rzfdtwr
I LOVE the book. But now pa lang, I can already safely say na making a movie out of this might not be a great idea.
At least, not in the context of a Kate-Leo-Sam movie.

Chrissie
feeling ko lang talaga naghanap sila ng performance movie, alam mo yon?

rzfdtwr
Shempre there's that whole business of a long awaited reunion di ba.

Chrissie
Like "let's see, what would be the total opposite of titanic? where we can show off our acting chops?"

rzfdtwr
If for that, yes. I guess that justifies it. Cause yeah, these characters are so layered and complex.

Chrissie
Despicable ba si Frank Wheeler sa book?

rzfdtwr
Hmmm... Not exactly. They're both neurotic e.
Pathetic is more like it, sa book.
Kasi, he has aspirations, pero it is just revealed that he's nowhere near his delusions of himself.

Chrissie
Kasi I couldn't bring myself to despise him sa movie. Hahaha.
Sobrang naawa ako sa kanya.
And kay April. Pero foul talaga ang ginawa nya sa end.

rzfdtwr
Hmmm... Sa book, hindi foul.

Chrissie
Si April?

rzfdtwr
At least in my opinion. I think, they're victims of their complexities.
Kasi ang coward ni Frank. Si April naman, ang lofty ng demands.
Though they both fed each other those things.
Shet, I feel so scholarly discussing this, hahahaha...

Chrissie
Hahaha.

rzfdtwr
But anyway, that's my take on it.

Chrissie
It's almost like I had to pick a side.

rzfdtwr
You can't help but e.
You'll really try.

Chrissie
But they both make good points.
Pero natamaan ako sa sinabi ni April
NAKS.

rzfdtwr
Which?

Chrissie
Kasi tama naman si Frank na, "I have the backbone to not run away from my responsibilities..." chorva.
Pero nung sinabi ni April na "It takes backbone to lead the life you want", sobrang natamaan ako.
HAHAHA.

rzfdtwr
But you know what, the truth is, it's as much for him as for her.

Chrissie
I know.

rzfdtwr
And he what he fails to embrace is the fact na there is cowardice playing into the whole dynamics. Tapos, his refusal to acknowledge it, parang pride na hindi.
But whatever it is, the end result is, he ends up compounding the problem by leading April on with false hopes.
ON her part kasi, she thinks he just needs the space, the push, taking his time. E hindi naman pala.
So may treachery, kung tutuusin.
She naman can't find the compassion to see how demanding it all is.
And siguro nga, she's being a bit selfish not giving him the least credit he deserves man lang.

Chrissie
Wow, treachery.
I think she was super selfish.

rzfdtwr
But then, it's chicken and egg. You don't know who started it all.
Isipin mo ha, he lulled her in with a promise of all this.
Then when it degenerates, he doesn't man up naman.

Chrissie
Maganda ang to follow your dreams, pero if you have kids and all na ... parang you have to adjust rin naman. Which is not to say you should abandon your dreams.

rzfdtwr
ZACTLY! Kasi, hindi naman impossible ang sinasabi ni April e.

Chrissie
Hindi nga.

rzfdtwr
Isipin mo, at the core of it is Frank's insecurity kung may patutunguhan ba if ever yung 'dream' kuno. Kasi he doesn't really have any thing concrete to aim for.

Chrissie
E kasi nga he's the "man"! May presssure! If they go to Europe, April will work for the both of them. Haller, nakaka-emasculate.
Whereas if he stayed, e di may promotion pa sha. Haha.

rzfdtwr
Yeah... That's her concession.
Ewan ko how it was in the movie, but here in the book, may factor kasi talaga na he presented himself a certain way to her e. SO alam mo yon, may false promise?

Chrissie
Ah, oo.

rzfdtwr
And not confronting it, and hiding from it (kasi nga ang emasculating), it's him not being TRULY man enough.
Kasi di ba, as a couple, kung talagang walang hope na pala yon dahil sa di mo kaya... sabihin mo na lang.
Cause in the end, you just end up leading her on all the more. She'll never abandon that desire or hope.

Chrissie
Hehe. Oo.

rzfdtwr
Even si Frank e. It's, sige, let's POSTPONE. Not really, ‘di ko na yan kaya e.’

Chrissie
Both naman sila at fault.
I guess I just felt for Frank more.

rzfdtwr
Yeah, I can see why. And I did feel for him too.

Chrissie
Kasi ... I don't like it if you just give up. "Give up", because things didn't go your way.

rzfdtwr
Pero naisip ko lang, he never did try to solve the core problem of that situation.

Chrissie
Hindi ko alam if the dialogue is the same sa movie though.
Feeling ko kasi walang mas hurtful to a guy than saying na he's "not a man". And April would say that to Frank a LOT of times.

rzfdtwr
Hmmm... that part in the trailer where he says, he didn't run from his responsibility, wala sa book yon.

Chrissie
TOTOO?

rzfdtwr
Hmm, no. Not that way.

Chrissie
Yun kasi ang dating sa akin ni Frank. Like, he's weak and all but he's trying.

rzfdtwr
Ahhh... Yes, I see why you see that.
Me naman, ang nakikita ko there is a misplaced sense of what's strong and not. Parang, to be really strong, you'd own up and set things right for the whole family.
And that includes calibrating their expectations especially if it's starting to corrode the foundations na. The fact that they continue to go by expectations set long before and you've long abandoned pala, as head of the family.

Chrissie
So you're saying na the shit would not have gone down if Frank had just said from the start na "I don't want to go to Paris"

rzfdtwr
Yeah, because the truth is, he didn't. At least sa book, yun ang nadeduce ko.

Chrissie
E kasi naman si April eh.

rzfdtwr
HAHAHA

Chrissie
Parang ... how can you say 'no' to her?
Alam mo yon?

rzfdtwr
True, true... Pero yun nga e, chicken and egg. He never set her in her proper place kasi.

Chrissie
Shempre you want to make her happy and she had so much hope and happiness when she broached the subject. And I think Frank REALLY did want to do it.
Like, "Game, let's do this!"

rzfdtwr
Yun na nga... ang pleaser nya.
And in the end, he makes false promises he never really truly felt he can live up to.

Chrissie
Tapos later on nag-flip-flop na sha

rzfdtwr
There I think therein lies his biggest mistake.
For her naman, I just think she's a tough nut. Her ways, ganyan.
Pero, I'm not sure she can be blamed, because that's precisely what Frank fell in love with sa kanya.

Chrissie
She's mejo ... not motherly.
And hindi sha compassionate.
Like, she's compassionate when it's convenient for her.

rzfdtwr
But the difference is this: She never wanted to be in that setup with a child. Na may anak, I mean. And she was honest about it.
And even wanted to do something about it (I'm not moralizing here a...)

Chrissie
But what did she want them to do about it? Get rid of the kids? E nanjan na yan eh

rzfdtwr
Hmmm…I'm not naman espousing abortion ano... pero in the context of their culture and society, that was an option.
Kumbaga, si Frank, nung nag-no sya, it's not on moral grounds kasi.
Which would've been more acceptable.
I mean... dun, makikita na natin na maling match ito to begin with.

Chrissie
But I mean, yung moving to the city, having a second kid. It's not like April did not have a hand in making those decision.
Tapos ngayon she's saying na "OOPS, I hate this life pala."
AY to the suburbs pala.
So si Frank parang, "Ah.. okay ... sige..."Kamusta naman yon?

rzfdtwr
Sa book kasi, it's more like, they settled into that life na because nothing was taking it to another place anyway. There was no move from Frank's part, at any point, to revive plans that they'd take according to who they believed they were.
So dun mo nakikita all the more na Frank was really being a coward all that time. Na he was all talk but can't really back his words up with real action.
And he kept playing at it, condescending and all while they lived on RRoad. SO that keeps the hope in April alive.
Kaya ang pungent ng false promise sa akin.

Chrissie
Hindi naman ganyan si Leo e
HAHAHA.

rzfdtwr
HAHAHAHAHAHA
So lumabas din.

Chrissie
Basta ang "vulnerable" kasi ni Leo.

rzfdtwr
Hahaha... you just can't imagine Leo being all that.

Chrissie
Tapos ang galing ni Kate.
Kasi one minute I love her, tas the next, parang "ANOBA STOP BADGERING HIM!"
Dapat basahin ko siguro yung book.

rzfdtwr
While reading the book, I kept picturing their FACES! Grabe. Perfect sila!
But not because they're weak and/or evil. But you just know na kayang kaya nila to.

Chrissie
Hahaha. Tapos when Leo cries, he cries like a little boy. Yung nagcu-crumple talaga yung face? Tapos hindi papogi at all.
Hindi sila papogi at paganda.

rzfdtwr
I can imagine that from the book. Saka that feeling of, hmmm... I'm all that, dun sa mga moments ni Frank when he's starting to regain his sense of old self. It's so Leo.

Chrissie
Basta, may part sa movie where Leo
ESTE Frank
tells April na "You love me, and that's the point"
Tapos sabi ni April "No, that's not the point. Because I LOATHE you..
GRABE. Sobrang naiyak si Leo
I mean, si Frank
HAHAHAHA

rzfdtwr
Hahaha... yeah, there's that part in the book too. Pero abridged na ata yan.

Chrissie
Nainis ako kay Kate non.

rzfdtwr
Hahaha... me too.

Chrissie
Na parang "O, ba't di mo na sha love? Because he won't move you guys to Paris?!"
HAHAHA
OIST, teka mag-internet lecture na kami
SOrry to be abrupt. HAHA.

rzfdtwr
Hahahaha, sure. I can't wait to watch the movie.

Chrissie
Let me know when you do! Yung performances nila ay worth the price of admission. Regardless of whether you like the movie or not. Haha.
So I guess Team April Wheeler ka. Hahaha.

rzfdtwr
Di naman.

Chrissie
Team Frank Wheeler ako.

rzfdtwr
Hahaha... Team Kate.

Chrissie
Or maybe Team Leo.

rzfdtwr
HAHAHAHAHA

Chrissie
HAHAHAHA

rzfdtwr
Osha. I'm posting this conversation in my blog, by the way, hahahaha... Seeya! Hi to Karkar

Chrissie
Hello rin daw sa iyo.

rzfdtwr
Go study!

And I guess it's apparent that it's really just two fans raving lengthily about their favorite actors, hiding behind the pretense of an informed, spirited discussion.

Let this simply serve as an indirect endorsement of the book and the film then :)

UPDATE:













This was taken in the evening of the European premiere of Revolutionary Road in Leicester Square. Kate & Leo themselves were there (without Sam Mendes) last Sunday (18.01.2009). As much as I'm tempted to lie and say that I did see them (no one will know any better anyway), the truth is mass finished at 7.30PM that when I got there, the red carpet entry was done.

Still, I consider it a personal milestone to be in the same country and breathing space at the same time as them two :)

Venezia

Italy celebrates the feast of Santo Stefano on December 26. Because it is an official holiday, families' Christmas celebrations usually spill over to this day, but Luigi generously spent it driving and accompanying me and my Mom to the bewitching city of Venezia.

I didn't know what my itinerary was when I arrived in Italy (neither did my mom, I think), but the moment we stepped on Cannaregio, I immediately thought it will be impossible to top the charming islands that comprise Veneto's capital.

Despite it being a holiday, there were many tourists that day, but not annoyingly so. In fact, it was a lovely day to be walking the streets and exploring the canals of Venice as it was both sunny and cool, busy but not crazy, the shops closed, but the place not empty. It was indeed a charming contradiction of the old and commercial. I promised myself I'd go back and spend a few more days and nights there - hopefully, to celebrate Carnevale as well :)

Christmas with Mom :)

I flew out of Manila on December 23 and arrived in Rome on the 24th. By the time my Mom and her friend Luigi met me at Bologna's airport, it was already past noon.

It was my first time to spend Christmas with my Mom in Italy. The hysteria of my homecoming in the Philippines didn't prepare me for this immediately succeeding trip, and so I was quite in a daze when I got to my Mom's house. I didn't realize what a big deal it was until later that evening, when my excited mom drove me to Bologna's Piazza Maggiore as an aperitivo for the Christmas Eve celebration. We walked along her favorite favorite streets (meaning, her favorite shops), and had hot chocolate in her favorite bar.

All of a sudden, I was overwhelmed by everything Italian - the land, the people, the weather, the culture, the lifestyle, and my Mom blending ever so effortlessly in all of it. It's so amusing to see her shaken out of it whenever my presence reminds her that unlike the mother, the son is a tourist.

Since we didn't have big plans for Noche Buena, my mom offered to take me to a Christmas Eve mass. She called her best friend in Bologna, TIta Lina, and they attended the Christmas Mass with me. It was a big deal since my Mom herself proclaims that she doesn't go to Mass (she insists she likes praying on her own - mas personal daw kasi). It was an added bonus to find out that the Mass was being celebrated in Tagalog. It seemed like the whole Filipino community of Bologna was in that church that night.

After that, Noche Buena was spent over a modest meal of sandwiches, but my Mom and I stayed up for a few hours talking as Christmas Day got off to a mellow start.

The next day, we woke up at noon and went to her friend Luigi's house in the outskirts of Bologna. We celebrated a bona fide Italian Christmas with Luigi and his family.

Ahhh... La vita é bella :)

Buon Natale!

Balikbayan, Ikalawang Yugto (Homecoming 2)

Flew back home to the Philippines last December 6, 2008 to spend a couple of days there. Aside from some personal matters to attend to, my main reason was to catch a whiff of the holiday spirit, Pinoy style. Iba pa rin talaga ang Pasko sa Pinas, ika nga ng isang kanta.

Despite not being more aggressive in inviting friends, I got to spend one night with them during the party at my house. And this time, I remembered to take pictures (though there were still some who left without snapshots). Thanks to Sherlyn for those, and thanks to my dear friends and family who braved the Christmas rush and terrible traffic to go to my house in QC. It was a great, fun night, I'm glad I got to celebrate Christmas, my homecoming, and my birthday with close friends. Sayang lang nakaalis na mommy ko non (she left the country two weeks before I arrived).

Here are some of the photos from the party, plus some on my birthday itself, when Aissa and her crew came over to shoot for her show.

Life In A Bag

One of my favorite exercises at LFS was in Kevin Hull's directing class. It was called "Life In A Bag." Armed with a DV camera, we were sent out with the mission to get strangers to spill out the contents of their bags and in so doing, spill intimate details about themselves. After a brief orientation on how to work our video and sound equipment, my partner Mike and I immediately scoured the cobble streets of Covent Garden on the hunt for potential subjects.

Both Mike and I confessed to not being good at approaching strangers. We spent our first thirty minutes just standing around and occasionally stalking people who looked kind enough to indulge us in our unusual request. Suffice it to say we were unsuccessful in our first few attempts. We finally scored when we met a kind looking 50-year old man resting in St. Paul's Church's lovely courtyard (the Actors' Church situated right across the Covent Garden Market). The man had an impressive looking SLR and was quick to volunteer that he was a photography enthusiast. He was obviously a tourist and had a heavy backpack with him. Imagining the wealth of information he'd share with us, Mike convinced the old man to grant us an interview. I volunteered to operate the camera since it was Mike who sealed the deal.

It went well, that interview, though it wasn't as good as we would've wanted. James Nash, the photographer tourist, did answer our questions, but he was clearly reticent. Soon, we said our goodbyes. The gracious old man handed us his card as he bid us farewell, and it was only then that Mike and I found out that he was actually a reverend.

When my turn came, Mike and I have wandered into Trafalgar Square. We were certain we'd find a willing subject for me amongst the hundreds of people who frequent the spot over which the London National Gallery imposingly looms.

It was there that I approached a beautiful middle-aged woman named Yena. Her features easily gave her away as Latin American, but I didn't immediately assume that she was a tourist. Not even when she spoke English with a bit of difficulty. This was London after all, melting pot of all melting pots. I introduced myself as a film student and showed her my ID. After a few more pleas, she agreed to be interviewed. Mike quickly set up the camera as I started getting acquainted with her.


I found out that Yena was from Colombia. She is here in London pursuing her Master’s Degree. Like me. She went straight to emptying her bag, perhaps hoping to get the interview done with. She fished out a bottle of water, a hair brush, an emptied sandwich bag, and a map – for navigating London's most popular spots. She only arrived the Sunday before and wanted to see the sites before her classes started in two weeks. She disclosed that she's here on a scholarship from the school where she worked as a librarian.

I enjoyed talking to Yena, learning more and more about her as she fished more and more from her bag. A book by her favorite author. Yena said not many people in her country read which is why she valued her books and never left home without one. Prior to becoming a librarian, she taught preschool kids before and even authored a textbook. A UK sim card. For calling her 23-year old son, her only child, who was studying Biology back in their home country. I found out that she’s divorced from her husband, and that she’s excited about her future. While she’s anxious about her stay here in London, she looked forward to being appointed as the library’s Director when she finishes her MA.

I felt a genuine connection with Yena. In Yena and her son, I saw my mom and myself. Just them two in the family now, where a minimum would usually be three. I also felt Yena and I were on the same boat: Students toiling to have better prospects for their careers. Strangers on a foreign land struggling to settle in their new home.

Yena telling me that she had two more things to show me, after I wrapped our interview and gave her my thanks.
A pocket mirror... and chapstick. My embarassing response? "To keep the men interested, I suppose?"

It’s been almost four months since then when something happened that made me recollect that class exercise and my encounter with Yena. This incident made me think about how I would've fared had the tables been switched on me, wondered how accurately my life reflected from the contents of my bag.

Here in London, I alternately use two bags. The first is a rust-colored Piquadro rucksack my mom sent me from Italy. It's quite big, with four zipped compartments, more than enough room for all my trinkets. The first and largest one can fit books, notebooks and legal-sized school documents. It also has a padded slot for my 15-inch laptop. I use the second compartment for my laptop's accessories, like the power supply. The third, I use to keep my umbrella, scarf, gloves, and when shooting, an extra shirt. The fourth one is for things I need quick access to - chocolate bars, handkerchiefs, and my Moleskine London City notebook.

That bag is obviously quite heavy, so I usually bring my other bag. A green Belfast mailbag with a huge zip-up compartment and two buttoned pockets in the front. In it I'm able to keep the following things I never leave home without:

• My school notebook, which doubles as my all-around idea notebook;
• Since I'm in the middle of a school term, I also bring with me my first-term notebook so I could review my notes from the the previous term;
• School documents (scripts, readings, and equipment manuals);
• A 100+ GB portable external hard drive where I save copies of documents I've worked on my laptop (which I usually leave in my flat) so I can print them in school when needed. This hard drive also happens to be where I save my entire iTunes library;
• My 80 GB iPod, the JBL earphones I recently bought for maximum enjoyment of my music, and the attachable voice recorder I use when I need a quick way to chronicle my ideas;
• My favorite Ray-Ban sunglasses (friends know how I'm never without them - the night owl that I am);
• A Bridge umbrella;
• A book. Nowadays, it's a Guy de Maupassant book I have yet to start (since I just emerged from a novel);
• A scarf;
• A Parker pen;
• A bottle of water;
• A lip protectant;
• My house keys - the front door's and my room's;
• And of course, my wallet, containing my credit cards, debit card, postal ID, London Met ID, discount cards, ATM receipts, and usually, about £20 cash.

That's admittedly a lot of stuff for someone to bring around with him everyday. I’m actually more used to traveling light in the Philippines. The difference is I also have my car there, which is where I’d leave most of these things. As such, when I alight, I only have my wallet and iPod with me. Being a commuter here, I have no choice but to dump all of those in one bag.

Had I been approached by people who wanted to go through the contents of my bag, it would be apparent that I'm a student and that my life in London revolved around my studies. From my full iPod, they'd probably deduce my love for music, and from my book, that I liked reading. They'd know that I'm not originally from London since I kept as proof of identification a Postal ID issued in the Philippines (with details like my birthday, birth place, occupation, height, weight, and even my distinguishing mark - 'mole on left eyebrow') instead of a UK-issued driver's license. If they browsed through my notebook, it's possible for them to infer my background as a writer since I've scribbled down on it dozens of random ideas. And if they looked hard enough, they'd find where exactly in London I lived since my address is also written somewhere in that notebook.

So yeah, it's fair to say that my bag reflected my life here in London. In fact, you might even say that my bag is my life.

I realized that when I lost my bag three weeks ago.

Nep and I were on a spree for winter clothes in Oxford and Regent Street. As we were crossing Regent Street to get from Top Shop to the Gap, I felt light, like I was missing something. We had already been to Selfridges then, so I had with me a number of paper bags containing our loot. I checked the bags I was carrying and was assured that I had all of them. At the Gap, I was excited to find some really nice winter coats that fit me perfectly. When I was about to pay at the counter, I realized that I WAS missing something. I didn't have my green mailbag with me anymore. It had the regular contents of my bag, with the addition of a knitted headgear and £40 more than the cash I usually kept in my wallet. I don't usually bring that much money here in London as I always transacted with my debit card anyway, but we just finished shooting the week before and that money was left over from the petty cash I had to have handy.

I believe I manage well during crises. Even then, when I lost my bag, I was considerably fine. But the more I thought about it, the more I felt depressed. I could afford to lose everything except my notebooks. I was also worried about my house keys and the fact that my address was in my notebook. And that somewhere in the bag I had ID's containing personal information. This is London after all - where crime is rampant and identity theft is common.

I chose not to not to tell people from home, particularly my mom. I didn't want them to worry (plus I was avoiding a scolding considering they remind me to take care of my things without fail). Instead, I emailed my friends and made fervent requests to pray for me and the bag's miraculous return. I even had specific requests for them to 'not let up' and continue praying - hopeful and faithful that while it may not be returned soon, it could still be returned, however late.

The following day, I went back to the store to follow up. No bag. Three days after, I called the store to inquire again. No bag. They said I was welcome to visit or call again to check, but the fact is lost items were usually handed in by the end of the day. Beyond two days, there was little chance of its return. So I decided to simply continue praying while starting to let go. Inspired by my friend's wise advise, I started praying for the bag's return and the important things in it. I wasn't hoping to get all of it back, as long as I got the ones I truly valued, which were my notebook and my hard drive). If He wills it. In my pleas I started adding that if it wasn't meant to happen, then I pray He grants me the grace and strength to let go.

It was hard, but life had to move on. I've to carry on, find a new bag, and in it, rebuild what I lost from the other one.

***

Five days after, just when I've given my bag up for lost, I got a surprise call from the person who found my bag. She was a staff member in the shop where I left it. They've been waiting for me to come back for it and was avoiding to open it until I did. Soon as I could, I came down to the shop and thanked the girl profusely. When I checked my bag on my train ride back to the school, everything was still there. Not a single page from my notebook missing, not a pound from my wallet. I was incredulous. Our prayers were granted.

Life, and my bag, is back. Just as it had been before this ordeal.