Si Padre Damaso at Donya Consolacion

I am, for the record, a Catholic. Having said that, there are many things that I criticize the church for despite my religious faith.

As a college student, I consistently missed attending the Sunday mass. I thought it was an incommodious and unfair barometer of one's religious devotion. I used to justify my lack of commitment by saying, 'I have a personal relationship with my God.' As many street philosophers would argue, I thought it was pure hypocrisy to gauge one’s morality from his diligence in attending a weekly one-hour service. Not when real life is lived beyond the pews. What we do and how we are in the real world eclipses the relevance of the Sunday mass. (I must say though that later on, I realized that while it is right for all of us to have a 'personal' relationship with Him, I was erroneously invoking my flawed understanding of the celebration of mass as reason for my criticism of this custom. I have since reacquired the dedication to attend mass every week, finding nourishment in hearing the Gospel and renewed appreciation of the Homily now that I’m an adult.

I am also a huge critic of the Church allowing, or tolerating, Among Ed Panlilio’s run for Governorship of Pampanga. Like other events that pepper our history, it mocks the Constitution that explicitly imposes the separation of church and state but we are all complicit in contravening because of course, anything that has been sprayed with holy water is inherently correct, acceptable and redemptive. While I do not wish to question Among Ed’s competence as a government public servant, I still believe that he was not qualified. The fact that he has chosen to serve through the Church makes that issue moot. Contrary to what I’ve heard him proclaim in the past, being the governor of Pampanga is in fact a disservice to the Kapampangan, especially when it divergently contributes to the stunting of a people’s political and social maturity. Not when it further obscures the people’s understanding on why these political tenets are there in the first place.

Reproductive health is another issue in which I’ve always disagreed with the Church. I can understand their hard line-stance, and they are by all means entitled to it, but what I find unacceptable is how they use their influence on the government to hostage legislation and policies. I don’t even mind if they themselves took to the streets to express their opposition to the RH Bill.  But knowing the authority they wield and using it to publicly declare ‘dismay’ over President Noynoy’s stance and saying that further promotion of contraceptives could result in possible excommunication is akin to a threat. By all means, allow the Church to have a dialogue with the government to discuss why they think some forms of contraception are abortifacient, but the Church should also know when to stop and allow the government to carry on with its job without undeserved intimidation.

Those are three among the many things I tend to disagree with the Church, but truth be told, I like the Catholic Church more than I hate many of its actions and dogmas.

I sorta like Carlos Celdran too. I think it is laudable that he literally ‘walks the talk’ and does something tangible in making his Fellow-pinos renew their appreciation for our country’s heritage and culture through his walking tours. Much as I champion the same values, I regrettably fall short of calling it an advocacy because unlike him, I never had the guts to actually do something about it. The significance of mounting something that personal but massively influential cannot be gainsaid, and I can only wish there were more people from his ranks who would palpably contribute to uplifting the collective sense of Filipino identity, beyond wearing Team Manila shirts brandished with the stars and the sun of the Filipino flag.

So yes, that Carlos Celdran does have some guts. That’s something even more people have come to realize after that last incident when he marched inside the Manila Cathedral to disrupt an ongoing mass. It certainly takes guts to flash that ‘Damaso’ sign and demand that the Church STOP from meddling in government affairs, something I myself have wanted to scream out of exasperation but was never brave enough to do.

But while I welcome the attention his stunt has brought to the issue and the airing of the sentiment that many Catholics have on the Church and RH, I think the manner by which he did it is inexcusable. The bottom line was he disturbed a religious observance. Regardless of my feelings against the Church, I would never appreciate being disturbed by inappropriate showboating at a sacred moment when I am expressing my faith. It is this kind of insensitivity that we likewise detest in religious extremism, yet many of us seem to be just fine with it when the display comes from someone who shares our own faith or opinion. However we relish our freedom of expression, we must remember that it is not absolute. Isn’t religion the ultimate form of expression? Lest you find reason to not acknowledge that, the Constitution even went as far as explicitly upholding ‘free exercise and enjoyment of religious profession and worship, without discrimination or preference.’

Perhaps it is because I grew up in more modern and pragmatic times that cultivated in me an ability or willingness to customize the beliefs taught by the Church and reconcile them with my own. This, I notice, is also characteristic of my peers – people from my generation who belong to similar socio-economic backgrounds, educated in similar educational institutions and exposed to similar culture and influences. We are indeed radical if compared to the conservatism of religious institutions and those who come before us, but we criticize, debate and oppose not out of antipathy to what our faith or chosen religion represents. I know it is almost sacrilegious to do so since to disagree is almost a contradiction to the very concept of religion, but we are not pasaway for the sake of being pasaway. I’d like to think that we simply learned to inquire, discern and reason for ourselves, and if any, it only firms the conviction and value of our faith even more.

What Carlos Celdran did should not be honored for bravery. It was grandstanding, the penchant for which I always hated our politicians and church leaders, and as Celdran now proves, even their critics. In many ways, he was simply being pasaway, what with that placard and Jose Rizal costume. Carlos Celdran has since apologized, saying, “I apologize for being rude. But it was necessary for me to be rude.” I support Carlos Celdran and agree that he should not be sorry for the message he delivered. But as with the Church, I take exception to his actions, that rumpus he made in the Manila Cathedral. I don’t think it was ‘necessary’ for him to be rude. And for that reason, I will not be wearing a ‘Damaso’ shirt. He should not, under any circumstance, be imprisoned for what he believes in, but he surely deserves going to jail for what he did.

Presence of Mind

It's nevertheless unconscionable, but I appreciate this. It really did exemplify the prodigious burden of self-restraint, which should only be traded for the most urgent of reasons. I wish they would've left out "in the absence of government presence of mind" though. While evidently true, the crux of the matter is, during the coverage, for reasons I wouldn't have the temerity to declare on their behalf, self-censorship was overruled by lack of media presence of mind.

An Overlong Sharing To A Dear Friend

I recently read a friend's blog post about her frustrations from last year, and it elicited this email letter which I immediately wrote and sent to her. She recently replied expressing her appreciation, saying how it succeeded in making her feel she's not alone and adding howit read like a blog addressed only to her. So I decided to post it here so I can share it to few dear friends who visit this blog. Maybe it'll do to you what it did to me and my friend - comfort and empower me with the feeling that I'm not alone in my frustrations.

Hey, I just read your last three blog posts. I haven't been religiously blogrolling, or blogging for that matter, thus the delay.


I wish I was there so we can have coffee and chat... I feel bad that (at least in your 2009 entry), you're feeling increasingly frustrated. Sana lang it's all better now, with that volunteer work, and with your little boy going to daycare (if pushed through with it) to give you more time.


I kinda share your conundrum about why some people are able to adapt more and let go easier. Although I'm here now sa Pinas, I kinda wonder a lot about that as well when I'm in London.


I really see a lot of promise in staying in London, but somehow, I can't fully embrace the thought and I still feel like home is where my career ought to be. It's not really a problem, if you think about it, but I feel like it shouldn't be the case. It's as if I wouldn't be exploiting the opportunities available to me if I opt for that. I get an impression that a Pinas career would not be ambitious enough, or at least, not commensurate to the time and financial investment I made on my studies.


I have this feeling na if I stay in London, the climb is steeper and harder kase I'll be starting at the bottom with nothing but my education to back me up. Therefore, the climb will take longer. Nevertheless, the excitement, the city, the culture, the enrichment I get while there... It's just too tempting. And the fact that I can start on a blank slate and have a do over, wow. But can I still afford to do that at 30? I promised myself na taking time to study for 2 years abroad would be my last luho - and then I'd be all focused on being a responsible adult na. Earn a decent living that won't be subsidized by my inherited luxuries. I want to completely, genuinely fend for myself na.


And then, to add to that, there's this feeling na if I go back naman to the Philippines, I can simply pick up from where I left off. I was doing well already and was just starting to really make significant strides in my career when I left. Now, armed with new knowledge, I can carry on doing that. These steps I was about to take could now extend to crazy leaps. But then, I also end up thinking that that's only possible because Pinas is such a small pond. Or, perhaps more accurately, Pinas does not offer the possibilities London and the world offers. Furthermore, I always feel like I'm regressing when I'm home. I'm really happy here and I enjoy the luxury, the lifestyle, the comfort of having a solid support system, my own home, and most importantly, the company of my family and friends... but I also feel like I'm back to old horizons. Parang lumiliit na naman yung mundo ko and it shouldn't be that way. It shouldn't, right? Di ba dapat palaki ng palaki ang mundo mo? I feel like I'm falling off the wagon. The wagon that's laboriously taking me to a more difficult but ultimately more fulfilling path.


It's a paradox I face whenever I'm home for too long. The paradox that while home makes me happy and feel I'm back where I belong, at home, it's harder to get what I want. Perhaps coming home to things that make me feel secure means I'm also coming home to all my insecurities. So while I have a career to return to, I don't feel half as empowered as I do when I'm in London, even if realistically, objectively, and internally, I feel like it's twice as hard in London to get to where I've gotten to back in the Philippines, and harder twofold getting to where I want to be in life.


Suffice it to say that I crave for the best of both worlds, but I feel like I'm being immature wanting that every time reality sets in and the issues of practicality and feasibility of both paths are stacked up against each other. Sana nga ganon kadali na I can be here in Manila when I want, and London when I need to be there.


That's why I emailed. So much of what you wrote, especially in your post "My 2009", reflected my sentiments. You also mentioned how you wonder why it's so hard to find friends who share your pains. Why you can't embrace your new life the way other friends have, like lots of our other friends there who seem to be content and flourishing in their new plots. I know we're not exactly on the same boat. I'm just about to sail, whereas you've been on that journey. You're now on the other shore. I'm just walking up the plank of my rickety banca, and from here, I can see that on board, taking the boat with me, is fear. I fear making the wrong decision and being trapped in it, whereas you speak of feeling trapped in it already, even if ultimately, you have the choice to go back.


While it's not exactly the same as what you're going through, I suppose we share the same feeling of frustration and uncertainty. The same feeling of being in a tug-of-war. You feel like your hands are tied, when they're really not... but it might as well be, given the choices you end up making and continue to make. Yun yon e. You don't want to renege on the choice you made cause it's like you admit to making a mistake - that all this time spent after committing to that choice has been for naught. That, or it would be like admitting you're weak - because you weren't brave, and strong, and steadfast enough to hold on to the choice you made. That maybe, the rewards of the sacrifice have simply yet to come, but you've grown tired of waiting and have decided to give up. That's never easy to admit, is it? Not for us. At least, that's what I understand you to be going through. The difference is that with me, I'm just about to commit to a choice. With my studies due to finish soon, an ultimatum hangs. I need to ruminate and be sure of my next steps. I don't want to make a mistake. I don't want to be made to feel weak. I don't want to wait too long for my reward. I don't want to ever give up.


I hope that even though it's depressing, it makes you feel better that thousands of miles away from you, a dear, dear friend shares your agony. Even if it doesn't exactly do that, at least you can relish the thought that your writings have helped someone contemplate and articulate his own dilemmas. Making a sheet of paper or a computer screen throw back your thoughts at you is always a great way to hear what your heart and mind have to say amid an awful din of cynical feelings. It's even better when you have a trusted friend listening with you.


Loveya!




Raz.

A Break

Thank you God, for giving me a break.

Today, my London account was credited with £1,342.81!

That's how much money I lost to fraudulent direct debits from my account. How that happened in the first place, I still don't know, but I'm sure glad I found out before it got much worse.

Last Sunday, on my way to church with my cousins, I received an overseas call from my London bank's collections department because it appeared my account had been overdrawn. I couldn't believe it because I left it with enough money and I never used my debit card since coming back to the Philippines more than one month ago. I asked what the last transactions were, and none of them sounded familiar. She mentioned mobile phone accounts (notice the plural) and cable subscriptions, among other things. My heart raced as it dawned on my that these were not mine. Identity theft and account-hacking is quite common in the UK. I can now count myself as one of the victims.

It's a good thing that I left London with not much money in my ATM. I spent a huge amount paying for advanced rent on my room to cover for the months that I'd be here in the Philippines shooting my grad film. Besides, all money I had, I had to take and add to my film's production budget. As a result, I left just enough money to keep my account's required maintaining balance.

Because of that, it allowed my account to be completely overdrawn (read: zero balance) because of these automatic, unauthorized direct debits.

I asked the collections agent what I ought to do since this was clearly a cause for alarm - those transactions were definitely not by me and I wanted to stop it before more money got taken. She advised me to contact my bank.

The accounts specialists were helpful right off. They blocked these fraudulent direct debits that had been going on since August 2008.

August 2008! That's two years now! Just three months within my arrival in the UK! My friend who met up with me last Sunday evening asked how much money I lost. I didn't want to alarm her any further, so I said just a couple of hundred quid. Well, the truth is it's almost a hundred thousand pesos. It really is partly my fault for not being vigilant enough in scrutinizing every item in my account summary every month. Though to my defense, it was really difficult to detect cause they were small amounts that just accumulated over two years (some debits were as huge as £50 at a time). I guess I just never noticed because I use that same account's debit card for all my transactions. I almost never bring cash when I'm in London, and that makes it harder to monitor the spending and the balance after every card debit.

The bank people said that they'll start an investigation. When I asked, they said I didn't have to contact these companies who made direct debits anymore. If all went well, I could expect to see that money deposited back into my account by Tuesday, after two working days. They also made me call a security company for consultation and to help me regarding my problem. This company, Red24, gave me tips on how to increase security protocols for my bank accounts. However, when I asked if they're optimistic about me getting my money back, they said that there's no guarantee. At best, I'd get it back in no time. At worst, I would have to take it to court and find ways to prove that I really didn't make these transactions - something that looked extremely difficult as it seemed like I've been a victim of identity cloning (for all these direct debits to be happening consistently and over a long period of time). After that, there really wasn't anything else to do but to be stressed, and wait.

I avoided checking my account cause I didn't want to be disappointed, but today, I finally did... and there it was - my money back! I really didn't expect it to be resolved that quickly, and efficiently - though I'm crazy glad that it was.

It's a rough way to learn a lesson, but well worth it. I'm just thankful for the break!

Something to lift my spirit up amid the chaos of grad film preprod :)

Camerimage 2009, Łódź

01-06.12.2009

After a very busy term 5, I decided to fly to Poland to attend Camerimage. Mike had already left ahead of me, and I was really looking to get away in preparation for the coming end of term critiques.

I had an amazing time in spite of the freezing cold. I was able to watch Up In The Air before its worldwide theatrical release (and ahead of all the Oscar buzz it got; I got bummed missing Sketches of Frank Gehry). I got to attend workshops conducted by Oliver Stapleton, Don McAlpine and Tony Willis. I got to play around with the latest Arri’s and 3D cameras. They don’t lie when they say that the atmosphere in the city is electrified round about the end of November til early December. I had an amazing time despite not having a pass for the entire festival. I had so much fun I didn’t even bother taking that many pictures even though I managed to lug around my camera everywhere we went. I’m already looking forward to coming back next year.

The pictures I took and uploaded here don’t even capture half of the experience. You’d think the city was this empty shell of post-war buildings badly needing repainting. What it really is, during Camerimage, is a swarm of enthusiastic, like-minded brothers who have nothing but utmost love and appreciation for movies and movie-lovers.

Barcelona, Summer 2009

Barcelona is instantly my most favourite city. So far, at least.

When I first decided to go to Spain for a holiday, it was on a whim. It was sometime during the spring of last year after my trip with the Bajentings. It was my first time to stay in London for the holidays and so I had a lot of time on my hands. Instead of seeing more of the city though, I ended up going overseas.

I first entertained the thought when I heard that the Simon Bolivar Youth Orchestra was playing in London. I read about them long ago and was terribly impressed. That they were in London seemed too great an opportunity to pass, so I immediately looked for tickets. My close friends Nep and Tisay happened to have a stint helping the catering for their London show and they told me it’s been fully booked long before. I felt so bad missing the chance that I surfed the net and found out that they’re also having shows in Madrid and Barcelona and a few other European cities.

It was then that I started considering flying to Barcelona just in time to catch their show. It seemed outrageous at the time, but thanks to the internet, I was able to build up a solid itinerary and canvass options for airfare and lodging. Before I knew it, I was impulse buying tickets and making online reservations for a weeklong stay in Barcino.

I was sort of nervous about that because it was to be my first ever solo trip to a country that didn’t speak English primarily. I sorta knew how to speak Spanish, but it’s been so long since Span 1 & 2 with Sra. Carmen and Maita that I didn’t really trust myself to survive. Besides, I was heading for Catalunya!

The morning of my flight to Barcelona, I took a long detour to Stanford at Covent Garden, one of my favourite stores in London now, and bought myself an Encounter guide (back when it only had Barcelona, NY, Rome and Paris) and a Spanish phrasebook…and then I was off.

That turned out to be one of my most memorable and perhaps my most favourite trip ever. Barcelona had everything I was interested in – a beach, a vibrant arts scene, museums worth visiting, a mix of people comparable to London’s, grrrrrreeeaaat food, and a couple of friends who were grrrrrreeeaaat guardians (shoutout to Wil and Lola!). That I was there for six long days, by myself, made for a relaxed holiday with neither the pressure of dragging myself out of the hotel to follow someone else’s itinerary nor the annoyances or conflicts of a travel companion’s divergent whims.

I loved Barcelona so much that even after my camera got stolen on my first trip (please don’t tell my Mom), I still had fond memories of the city. Hey, at least I had the full Barna experience, yeah? The pictures posted in this album were taken during my second trip last summer, right before classes at LFS started :)

Did I mention how much I love Barcelona?

Paris, Spring 2009

23-24.05.2009

Last year, desperate to grab the first chance to step on French soil, I took the long way en route to visiting my Mom. This was back in May during the spring bank holiday. We didn’t have a class that Friday and I didn’t need to be back at school until Tuesday, so I decided to fly to Paris and from there take the night train to Bologna (which was also a first) to see my Mom.

Aside from seeing the Eiffel Tower (typical?) and watching the French Open, the trip was on the whole underwhelming, though by no means Paris’s fault. After all, I was only there for 25 hours, which simply wasn’t enough. The dearth of interesting pictures from the trip is proof of that (due in part to the fact that I couldn’t find a shop that sold a 35mm roll of film! I was incredulous at this new order of things. There wasn’t any film being sold within the 1km radius of the most visited paid monument in the world.)

At the very least, that stopover only whet my appetite for a full, genuine Parisian experience the next time the opportunity presents itself.

The Filipino Student's Guide on How To Be Invisible In London

I recently tweeted about the "TOUCH ME NOT" screening in the Cultural Center of the Philippines (a copy of which I've uploaded in my blog before, as featured in the National Gallery website). Most short film entries were around ten minutes in length, whereas mine was only a few seconds over 3 minutes. It put my term 2 film at a disadvantage from a competition perspective but that was alright cause what I was really after was the opportunity to have the screened in a public venue back home in the Philippines.

(Here's the link again: Touch Me Not in the National Gallery website)

I felt bad that I was going to miss its screening by a few days as I was scheduled to fly to Manila only three days after. I invited my good friend, Mahal, who composed the soundtrack along with her band Kireida, to watch at the CCP, but she had a previously set appointment. My lead actress and very close friend Nep was already in the Philippines for the Christmas holiday so I also told her to go and invite people whom she missed showing the film (she already saw it in the National Gallery last year).

I was therefore annoyed after finding out that the schedule was moved to two hours earlier without prior notice. My aunt and my assistant who went all the way to CCP missed it by an hour, and Nep, who braved the horrendous Christmas rush, missed it altogether.

Thankfully, it was balanced by some real good news.

I actually also submitted my Term 3 documentary, "THE FILIPINO STUDENT'S GUIDE ON HOW TO BE INVISIBLE IN LONDON," in the same competition. For those who might have seen it at LFS or whom I asked for feedback during its development stage, this was the film about three girls who came to London on student visas.

I'm very proud to share that it won third prize in the 21st CCP Independent Film and Video Competition held last December 8 to 11, 2009. The 'Gawad CCP' distinguishes itself as the longest-running film and video competition in the Philippines, open to works in 16mm and 35mm format for film and DVD and MiniDV formats for video.

Upon sending a copy of the film to the CCP Media Arts, I concurrently asked the three subjects if they were fine with the film getting screened in a huge venue. When I first asked them to be the focus of the documentary, I assured them that if they were not comfortable with it being showed beyond the privacy of the school, we would honor that. In response, one of the girls said she preferred that the documentary not be screened in the festival, so I emailed CCP to request that they not screen it anymore and they obliged.

I thought that meant they would pull it out of the competition as well since the Gawad CCP rules stipulate that CCP would acquire rights to screen the film upon its entry and include it in the CCP's film archives. Apparently, they still showed it to the judges even if it was not in exhibition during the festival week and even ended up winning 3rd place. The competition also reserves the right not to award recognition if it felt that none of the entries deserved it, so it had a very discriminating and exclusive profile to me.

The official announcement from the Cultural Center of the Philippines is posted in the CCP official website. Chrissy, the LFS Librarian-slash-festival coordinator triumphed the achievement by blogging about it in the London Film School's news blog. It was a little embarrassing to see news about our humble documentary above Duncan Jones's big win at the British Independent Film Awards for "MOON," but that was very much welcome. Seeing my name on the LFS blog... I can die now! Haha!

Mad props to 166/3D for their contributions, and to the three girls for generously sharing their time, insights and sentiments in this documentary film. Congratulations to us :)

Preview

The November issue of "PREVIEW." Thanks to Mel for the article, and to Kar and Jane for the scans.

(Click on photo to enlarge and read the article)

Venice, Summer 2009

It's now been a couple of months since I went to Venice this summer. I meant to upload the pictures earlier, but since I didn't take a lot of photographs, I had hoped to post it along with the pictures from my friends who were there for the Venice Film Festival. I didn’t receive the reinforcements I had hoped and only remembered about the pictures I took now. So here they are!

I wasn’t too keen to go back to Venice just yet since I was just there a few months earlier. It was only when Mike and George started talking about going to the Festival to watch George Romero’s new film that I thought, maybe I should go as well. I then learned that a close friend of mine who line produced the film ENGKWENTRO by Pepe Diokno was also going. That finally helped me decide, so I cut my summer holiday a few weeks early, made hasty arrangements and flew back to Venezia two days after landing in London.

I’m really glad I decided to go back. I got to see the red carpet screening of my friends’ film, and it ended up winning the Orrizonti Award for Best Film, as well as the Luigi De Laurentis Award for Best Debut Film. Thanks to Miss Amor, I got to celebrate with the filmmakers and was allowed access to some of the glamorous green rooms and victory dinners. Had I not been as shy as I was, I would also have taken the chance to have my picture taken with Ang Lee, Colin Firth, Diane Kruger, Omar Sharif, Jared Leto, and Tom Ford.

Even better than the Venice Film Festival experience, the first major film festival I've ever been to, was the chance to hang out with Mike and George. It would’ve been even better if I arrived earlier but because of the last minute bookings, I only got to spend one night and the following morning with those two. It’s so great seeing close friends from LFS outside London.

So here are the handful of pictures that I took. Nothing exciting really, but they help me remember the wonderful time I spent revisiting Venezia.